The Question Makes the Difference
The real issue is we rarely question the question. We take them at face value— often inherited from others, half-formed or just lazy accepting what is before us. We don’t stop to ask: is this even the proper most useful frame?
Most people don’t make bad decisions. They just answer unexamined questions.
And once you start chasing a misleading question, every answer seems reasonable. Every effort looks productive.
Until one day, you realize—you built the right solution to the wrong problem.
I’ve seen this again and again. In couples. In teams. In myself.
The real issue is we rarely question the question. We take them at face value— often inherited from others, half-formed or just lazy accepting what is before us. We don’t stop to ask: is this even the proper most useful frame?
We often waste months/years answering inherited questions: “How do I become successful and loved?” “How do I find the love of my life?” “How do I build a company to exit?”
I know I did. Mine was "Do they think I'm a genius?"—a question I inherited from my father. Great for ambition. Terrible for self-worth. It drove me hard but drained me quietly. Not exactly a recipe for fulfillment.
But stop. Zoom out.
Who told you those were the questions?
Because the question isn’t “How do I win this argument?” It might be: “What pain are we both trying to avoid and what happens if we lean into it?”
Or:
“What story am I defending by being right and what might I be missing by defending it so?”
Shifting the question. Examining it. Reconstructing it - can be everything.
The question shapes the answer.
The answer shapes the action.
The action shapes the result.
And before you know it, your whole life is a ripple from the effort of answering a poorly constructed, taken-for-granted question.
The courage isn’t in answering. It’s in asking again— and again.
Digging deeper. More honest. More considered. More disruptive.
Construct more effective questions for the experience you desire to have.
Because here’s a truth:
A real question doesn’t give you control. It gives you possibility. It opens the door and changes the script.
And it asks—what do you see now that you couldn’t see before?
So the question isn’t: “How do I get better answers?” The question is: Do I have the nerve to dig deeper and construct a better question in the first place?
